Don't You Dare Forget The Sun
by maskedcolors
Summary: One day, there will come a time when you will realize that you do not matter. There will come a time when someone else will mean more to you than yourself. You can lie to yourself all you want about how this will not happen to you. You will one day have to face the fact that you are not your own sun.


DON'T YOU DARE FORGET THE SUN

One day, there will come a time when you will realize that you do not matter. There will come a time when someone else will mean more to you than yourself. You can lie to yourself all you want about how this will not happen to you. You will one day have to face the fact that you are not your own sun. Someday somebody else will come along and you will wonder how ever in the world you ever managed to live without them. You will search for them on instinct when you are asleep, even when there is nobody there. You will be sure that you would do anything for this person, whoever they may be. You will no longer be your main concern. Their happiness and their health and their overall being will always matter more than yours.

And I hope to god that you _never _live to lose that person.

It was Tuesday when I got the news. The damn hospital called and told me that they were _"Sorry for my loss."_ Like somehow them being sorry that I lost the love of my life would fix anything. They told me that her death was quick and painless when she crashed, her chest colliding with the steering wheel at such a force that it was almost instant. _Almost_, they said, but still all I could think about was Brittany gasping for breath. All I could think of was her having those few seconds of pain, where she felt like her chest was on fire. All I could think of was Brittany feeling her chest crashing against the steering wheel and wondering why it hurt so much. The stupid doctors in their white coats had no idea what the hell they were talking about.

The funeral was a week later. There were rows upon rows of people dressed in black at the funeral. I did not wear black. I remember Brittany once telling me that she hated the color black for funerals, that it was a sad color and her mom told her once that when people die they become angels. Brittany said that if that was true that people had nothing to be sad about. She said that she wanted them to wear yellow or blue or white or pink, colors that made sense. At the time, all I could do was smile softly at her and chuckle. I had never thought that any of it would ever come true for me.

I sat in the front row, my white dress clashing against the dark brown of the wood below me. Quinn sat next to me in her own rebelliously yellow dress and held my hand through the long speeches about Brittany that could never _truly_ capture her being. I did not speak at the funeral, for I knew that I could say a million words for a million hours to describe Brittany, but I would never be able to do her justice. Quinn did not speak, nor did half the people who truly cared about her. They knew who Brittany really was underneath ditzy masks and her overall aura of confusion.

There was a hurricane inside of me in that moment, but there was absolutely nothing to show for it except for my labored breathing and the possibility of broken bones in Quinn's hand. She did not complain though I could see her flinch when I squeezed harder when they showed the videos of her dancing. _Her dancing,_ it was perhaps the most amazing thing about her. Brittany had a way of bringing herself and all the best things about her into a three minute dance routine.

The funeral ended with the song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" being sung by the entire glee club, all members old and new. Normally, I think that I would be mad about this fact. I am not one who usually appreciates Mr. Schue's efforts to turn our entire lives into a High School Musical movie, but I knew that they needed it. All members that passed through the glee club had their own connection with Brittany. Everyone who passed through that room and watched her dance fell a little in love with her. Brittany would have enjoyed seeing them there. A song that was normally so happy turned dark and somber, the faces of the glee club members shining with tears that escaped from their eye sockets.

I went home with Quinn, for I could not bear to go home to my own apartment which was crowded with memories of her. She had her own drawer. Even though she did not live there, the apartment smelled of her and looked like her and had her things strewn carelessly all around it. I did not think that I could ever go back to it. It hurt too much. It hurt to get out of bed, it hurt to get into it without her being next to me. It hurt to sleep alone. More than once I found myself sneaking into Quinn's bed for comfort. She did not complain, and even though I didn't say anything, I could feel her body wracking with sobs right next to mine.

I don't exactly remember what happened in those weeks, I did not go to work and hardly got up except to go to the bathroom. The faces by my bedside morphed from Quinn's to Rachel's to Kurt's but even though I begged and I pleaded, they never turned into _her's._ I did not want to live in a world without Brittany Pierce. I did not want to see what a horrible nasty world that would be without her. The world is a nasty place. The people are horrible and the politics are horrendous, the streets are dirty. There is so much pain and love and hate. If I think about it too long my head starts to spin and it makes me want to turn away from the world and never look at it again.

But Brittany… Brittany had a way of making it better. A kind of light spread out from deep inside her and the entire world changed color. And the world opened out. And there was good again to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. She made me no longer afraid. You could search to the farthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful than the way that Brittany Pierce loved. Her love was unconditional, you could hate her and hurt her and still, there she was when you needed her. You could not hate Brittany Pierce. Brittany was the only good thing in my life a lot of the time. She was beautiful and innocent, she was everything that was good in this miserable stinking world. Her love and her dancing and her entire _being_ were surprisingly enough for me.

If I could go back in time and do it over again, oh I would. If I could change things so that we could have never had that stupid fight, I would have. If I could have put myself in that car instead of her, I would have in a split second. Brittany is good, she deserves to live. What use would I be here anyways? I do not want to live in this world without her. I do not _want_ to move on with my life after she is gone.

For as long as I can remember, it has been me and Brittany against everyone else. Even when we were not together, we were. Everyone knew how it would end. Or at least, how it was supposed to. All of them felt it, in their own way. Her death was something that was an arrow in the heart to each and every person who had ever been lucky enough to cross her way. But I knew in my heart that _nobody_ felt it as deep as I did.

We were fighting when it all went down, she had crashed a couple blocks away from my house. There was a box of chocolates in the passenger seat with a note reading _I don't wanna fight anymore._ It's hard not to feel strangely in responsibility. In theory, I guess I know that it is not my fault. I couldn't have stopped it. But in my heart I know that I could have prevented it. The fight was stupid and I cannot even remember what in the world it was about. It doesn't matter. Either way, I know the truth. It was my fault. I wasn't to blame, for sure, but if there was one person to link to her death, it would be me.

I knew that no matter how much I wanted to just lie in my bed and die, I needed to get back on my feet. Trust me, I had thought about ending it. I had thought about just treating myself and finally leaving this miserable dirty world, but then I heard the way Quinn cried at night and sometimes even went as far as to climb into mine or Rachel's bed and I knew that I never could. I couldn't make them go through that again. I got a job at the diner, hence it was only part time and was incredibly low-pay, but I was getting back on my feet.

Or at least, I gave the appearance of starting to move on. After all, it had been a year. Even though I was working and trying to get an education, she still clouded my thoughts when I was alone. I closed my eyes and dreamt of hers. Sometimes I was sure that I was not real without her. I didn't feel real, sometimes it even felt like I was having some out of body experience where my lips moved but I did not control anything that came out of my mouth.

My lips were moving, and before I knew it I was dating a new blonde. Dani was nice, but she still was not Brittany. She was blonde, but her blonde was artificial, her smile was nice, but it was also fake. Brittany's never was. Her smile had the power to light up a room. I knew that I should have been happy with Dani. I probably could have been, if I could just let her go. But I could not lie to myself, the only thing I felt when Dani kissed me were her lips. It was not fair to either of us for me to pretend it was any different. I hated that when Dani touched me, the only thing that I could think of was how un-Brittany her hands were. Dani was rough where Brittany was soft, Dani was fast where Brittany was gentle. I could not keep dating her.

I wondered if I could ever truly be happy without her. She was my everything, to such a point where I was nothing without her. She was the much bigger half of our whole, and it was hard to believe that that hole in my heart would ever truly close. Sure, the pain may become bearable with time, and maybe one day I might wake up in the morning and have her not be the first thing on my mind. But what people do not understand is that she was my sun. She was my source of light to such an extent that living without her is not really living. I could wake up every morning and go to sleep every night, and yet not really be living.

There is no happy ending to this fairytale. There is no grand finale and no shocking plot twist. This is real life. This is the way that things are in the real world. I found love, I had it and at the end of the day, it still slipped through my fingertips. I had my sun, and would give anything to feel its warmth again on my skin.

_Here comes the sun… (The girl worried her sun had already set)_

**A/N: **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, if I did, lord knows that it would not be the train wreck that it is right now. (Sorry, RIB) All characters belong to Fox, Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan and Brad Falchuk. **

**Read&Review.**

**-Q.**


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